YOWLEE UPDATE

YOWLEE UPDATE : Esther's inspiring letter

My name is PrettyEsta. I live in a box. Actually, two and a half boxes, inside a bigger box that sits in Namibia. There are people above, below and on all sides that live in their own boxes. You'd think I'd have lots of friends, but the fact is I am totally by myself all the time. Even when I'm standing in the elevator and it's filled with people, I am quite alone, like Siberia, or maybe the Moon. I think I must be on my own planet -- like The Little Prince. I look very much like a normal, attractive woman -- nobody even suspects that I am really an extraterrestrial. If those people had any idea what's really growing inside me, they'd run away screaming with disgust and horror. You see, there's an alien that came in through my back door one day years ago when I wasn't paying attention.

 The fact that I do look so ordinary is, or should be, what's so scary to the men that size me up, on the elevator, in the street, or even in the park. Those poor, unsuspecting suckers who might invite me out for dinner, never knowing or suspecting that next to them sits Typhoid Mary. That's what I feel like -- think about it -- if I were to let one of those guys kiss me, such an innocent, innocent thing, I could be found guilty of attempted murder. I think the prevailing attitude could be nicely summed up by something I heard that cops like to say "You can shoot me or you can stab me but just don't bleed on me."

It is a terrible thing to die from AIDS, but it's also sometimes even harder to live with it. I've lived with it for years, and I've been waiting since my "official" diagnosis  for the other shoe to drop. So if you're thinking that AIDS is a death sentence, think again -- I'm here to tell you that I wait and I wait for something horrible to happen and it never does. I feel so good physically that it's hard to believe that there are billions of killer cells attacking me 24/7. So what am I supposed to do? I tried being up-front but I lost every friend I had. Other people, normal people can't deal with it, it's just too horrible. So how do we go on? It's so hard to have self-confidence, to love oneself, to be a good person, to feel hopeful -- and that's if you're "normal." How do we keep going when all future hope is destroyed by a simple blood test? One day you're part of the human race, and the next you're an outlaw, just like that.

YOWLI 2008 was not only a space to share my life experience but was a home full of love and lots of friends.

 I had this fantasy that I think about whenever I get scared, or feel lonely and sad that’s the love I got at YOWLI 2008 a fantacy of self acceptance. And to be out side the box.

Thank you YOWLI